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| Animante
Animante
βοΈ
[6247810]
[2007-12-21 19:33:53 +0000 UTC]
"There is only Zhuuuuuuuulll!!"
(United States)
# Statistics
Favourites: 103; Deviations: 80; Watchers: 42
Watching: 80; Pageviews: 21905; Comments Made: 1816; Friends: 80
# Interests
Favorite movies: 5cm per second, The Usual Suspects, Grave of the FireFlies, (500) Days of SummerFavorite TV shows: Firefly
Favorite bands / musical artists: Mae, SafetySuit, Yellowcard
Favorite books: Eragon, Game of Thrones
Favorite games: Kingdom hearts, Final fantasy 9
Favorite gaming platform: PC is rising to become more important to me.
Tools of the Trade: laptop and tablet as of now
Other Interests: Life, anime, manga, attempting to draw, games, books.
# About me
Oh my, it's meI'm a 2d/3d animation major living in Pennsylvania, USA. I spend most of my time comicking these days, though even then I don't get much time to do so. I draw when I can, and animate when I can as well.
# Comments
Comments: 264
How's everything been? Everything at home going ok? School,Β the works?
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Well, honestly we just had a really rough year with an ill family member. MAJOR. But things have evened out and gotten mostly back to an equilibrium where we can function again. ^^ How are you and your family? Have you been doing any comics or art?
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I've been doing pretty well! No major art coming from me in the past year or two though- just been too busy. Every time I find the time to draw it's just simple sketches in a notebook. I need to find more time to do so but things have been pretty hectic haha. Glad to hear you're doing well, we need to have our MSN chats again.
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I feel you, my man. I feel you. Life can get so, well...busy. >.> I would love to see your sketches in your notebook sometime! Or see ya at a con one day...
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Man, I'm still planning to someday come to a con closer to you do we can meet up. Money's just been so tight, you know? I wish I could be drawing more than I have been but I never had time. I work a job now with a lot of downtime though so I've been getting a little more time to draw but nothing but simple sketches.
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Yeah, yeah. People are always asking about why I don't go to cons...Β I start to wonder how people have the money to do cons at all! (I simply do not! Travel! Merchandising!) It's hard enough to just...draw IRL, must less prepare for or afford con merch! I feel ya!
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IT WAS! OMG I havent logged onto this thing forever. Thank you though!
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LOL that's okay. I totally forgot what I gave you. Hahaha
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Aww thanks Loomykins! Happy Valentine's Day to you as well! <3
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hi sorry, asked time long not update of comics called "Aeon"
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I haven't been able to update it because my computer has died. And I wont be able to until I get a new one.
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understand your computer does not work.
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*divine hammer* you have been granted a new premium membership. KILL ALL THE HUMANS.
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No new art? Just more disappointment for the books. Maybe one day you'll update this scrap heap, eh? pfftt-TOODLES.
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I actually do have new art, I just don't think it's visible from the Featured Gallery, since I like to folder most of the things I make.
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Glad to see you're still drawing more.
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Why would I stop doing what i love to do?
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You shouldn't. Which is why I'm glad you're still on it.
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what a jerk. uncalled for. don't bother me.
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Uh-OK?!
OK?!
no- NO its not OK.
nothing is -OK! Wow- I wonder what you actually did to my best friend and if he's lying at that bottemless pit soul of yours rotting away!
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Whatever I did to deserve this much hatred from you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm so hopelessly ignorant that I can't see it either. That's all I really need you to know.
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IGNORANT, no, your not ignorant, i'm pretty sure nothing gets past those eyes of yours. You're intelligent and i have never made a move i was sure you wouldnt solve in time. You're just a coward and never acted up any of your decisions. I think its time you stop squirming like a stranded worm, and at least be a little considerate of someone else's feelings!
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I may be changing from the William you once knew, but you're nothing like the Luis that I once knew.
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Ever consider you slaughtered him in YOUR life a long time ago? you arent changing, you have passed that stage. I tried to over look it, but i can't deny it anymore. I refuse to keep lying to myself that somewhere inside of that hollow body of yours is the person i once admired!
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I did nothing to your best friend. You're the one who is pushing him away. You calling me a jerk for really no reason but being glad you're still drawing? Telling me not to bother you. Those were all your decisions.
What I did to deserve this antagonizing? Not sure. Was I drifting away? Yeah, I had a job that demanded more than half of my time. But to come back to you defriending me on facebook, and everything else. That was a harsh blow. To hear from OTHERS that you don't want anything to do with me. Yeah, excuse me if I'm a little bitter.
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You are a jerk because for three months i never got one IM, no relayed messages, No email, not even a fb message relating to where i must've gone.
HHHHMMMM- Well maybe if you were around more you wouldn't have had to hear it from someone else, you might've just had the rare chance to hear it from my lips directly. Instead- i got tired of waiting around, so i dealt with it the only other way i'd get your attention. You think i dont understand what it is to have a job? I know work can eat souls, but that isnt why i was disappointed. It was because your drifting in your spare time when you WEREN'T working. Unfortunetely, this isnt the first time this has happened, Every bloody summer you disappear and think things can be just PEACHY, and i'm honestly sick of it, you rant about mending and repairing and how things are gonna be better, but you never really actually try anymore DO YOU?. and you know what i get when you do show up? "HOW ABOUT THEM YANKEES?" oh please. You made it quite obvious you didnt want to be around me, so i did you the favor of destroying something you didn't want. You dont have a right to be bitter- you should thank me for doing something you never had the balls to do.
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Actually, you did get one IM, and one Facebook message. Granted they weren't long sentences asking about what happened, but conversation starters to try and get things headed in the right direction. Both were ignored. Who ever said I never wanted to be around you??? Where are those intentions EVER coming from me? Yeah, I didn't try, but that's because everytime I do end up trying, we just fall into the same damn pit we;ve been prairie dogging in and out of for the past 4 years. If I had not wanted to be around you, then I would have given up on you long ago, Luis. Like I said, I know I was drifting away, and I apologize for that. Whatever free time I had at Dorney, I tried to spend at Jeremy's, in the hopes you would be there too.I don't know why Jeremy agreed that I disappeared in the summer, I was at his house almost every day off I had. I guess I never really considered that I should have just tried and just spent more time with just you, since you were my best friend. The whole "How about them Yankees?" spawned from the fact that every time I did spend time with you, it was as if you didn't want to spend time with ME. Every time I tried to start up a conversation, I got one worded answers and mumbles and grumbles. Yet when you talked to Jeremy, you were all smiles and jokes. Can't say I wasn't a little bit jealous. Same went for IM's and the like. "HEY LUIS!" "hi" "How is everything?" "fine" "How was your day?" "ok". It gets damn irritating. It got to the point where I figured you were just mad at the thought of me, so I tried to wait for you to cool down. You always had these phases where you would be mad at me and everyone else. I tried to help you like I always did in those phases, but I didn't have as much time as I always did. This summer was especially harsh on me with hours. My supervisor counterpart, Tonya, had cancer. So she had to take off a couple days every few weeks in order to go through Chemotherapy. I was working tough weeks with barely any free time. You know the feeling, you did the same at the factory. When I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep. It doesn't help that I was sucked into WoW like an idiot. That was probably the limelight of your life too. Watching what happens to every WoW player happen to me. But I'm off of it now. The game started becoming a chore. One I didn't like. I was angry at what was happening. Maybe deep inside I knew what the problem was, but I didn't really understand it. I guess I was just selfish. It was always a problem with you when you had these phases, maybe I just mistook it for another one, and didn't even realize that I could be at fault here. Like I said, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I could have hurt you, because sometimes I forget exactly how much I meant to you. Mending, repairing, things getting better. Luis, I felt like I've been the only one trying for the past 5 years. You can cry bullshit all you want, but it's how I felt. Things would fall in the shitter. You would want nothing to do with me. I'd try and force myself into your life regardless. I'd take all the nasty beatings and bruisings and cold shoulders and insults from you, but things would get better. They always got better. I felt like at that point, I was the only one trying. If you were trying, why did you always fall into these fits of rage, hating the world, and your friends, even though we were here for you. But never once in these times did I ever want to lose you. Sure, sometimes I might have thought about taking a break because I was tired of your bipolarness. Sometimes I did, I won't lie. Sometimes I got tired of the silent drama that always procurred when we were together. But I never actually wanted us to end. I've only been accepting of this time because I felt it was what you wanted. Should I stop being a bitch and fight for what I want? Maybe, but I can't do that with you. Because I'm afraid that if I do, I'm just going to end up hurting you again. I haven't been to Jeremy's in forever. We've only really been in contact through what little we play of LoL and texting. If I tried to mend this relationship, we'd probably fall back into the same habits again. No sorry, I'd probably fall back into the same habits. I still don't quite see how I'm changing in your eyes. I feel like I'm the same person. My ideals might have changed a bit, I can see that. I'm not as playful as I used to be, maybe. I have till the end of the year to find another job and move out. I'm probably moving in with my brother to share the rent. It'll make things easier. First, I need another job. My mother can't afford this place anymore. She either wants to move in with her pseudo husband or find a one bedroom apartment to live in. It seems that everything you've thought of me, I've been thinking the same of you. I guess that kind of leads to an awkward situation when were around each other, huh?
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You make it sound as if i wanted it to happen. As if i didnt want to put my part in. Well i tried- i tried really hard to make us work. The free time you tried to spend at jeremy's- hmmm, exactly what im talking about. At jeremy's house nothing gets accomplish. At jeremy's house i cant speak to you in private. Our friendship shouldn't be revolving around that place! Jeremy shouldn't be the bloody fulcrom of our goddamn friendship! I have had it! Those phases of rage and my lashing out! You never once asked me why i was flipping out. why i was falling apart! A friend is supposed to dive in when someone is falling apart and comfort them. You never once dove to comfort. it's like you were afraid of what would happen to you if you did! I have interloped in every one of my friends lives at least once. i have gone against my morals and have sacrifed my reputation many times, just to help them balance out! William, i was falling apart, and you cared more for your own sanity than mine. It has happened so many times already. you have pleaded ignorant. I'm sick of that excuse. I'm sick of you just not knowing, WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR "BEST FRIEND" WHAT IS WRONG. I have waited for you comfort, and i have recieved none. Instead i have gotten silence. Absolute silence. I wanted to tell you EVERYTHING last saturday. the reason i went to mikis was so that hopefully you'd be there! Instead jeremy tells me you buddy dannys there. I bet you have dove into the battle field for him! I bet you have asked him whats wrong. You did it for leo too! Whats wrong with me?! Do i offend? Do i have some sort of virus you don't want! Ask me whats wrong damn it! Its sad jeremy who i barely have ever trusted with information knows more about me right now than you do! Jeremy knows more because he fucking asks! And i wanted to keep him out of this last one, I wanted one hell of a showdown with you. And look here i have to type it because you still havent asked! You deflect the facts, You deflect my emotions! And give no fuck response! This isnt about time managment. This about fixing something you said youd try to repair! I'm hurting so bad right now! I was flung around like a rag doll, not a single soul in my family cares about my emotional ewell being, do you remember what they did when i was in the psychiatric ward?! they went to fucking new york for a vacation! While their son was being diagnosed for nearly commiting suicide and slaughtering his family! I'm sorry if the pressure on you gets heavy. But i have it too! I try not to dump it all on you. Trust me there is still so much shit i have kept from ever reaching your ears just so you dont worry, just so you can stay composed and happy! I know your in a tough spot right now, i was thrown out of my house recently too, i had a week to get a job or i would be tossed to the street. I found one. I am gonna work hard, I am gonna communicate with my friends! But i tell you know, once upon a time i had the option to not even deal with that choice, rosalia asked me to run away with her- once upon a time i said "no" to her because i didnt want to do that to jeremy. The truth is i didnt do that shit for his corrupted and filthy hands! I hated him at the time! I did it for you! I didnt run away that night, I didnt kill myself that day on the bridge, every single time because all i could think about was just how selfish i'd be if i just exploded! It would've been greatly appriciated if you fucking gave a damn and cherished my damn descisions. Instead i get silence! I didnt leave allentown for you, and what i get is SILENCE.Three months of a half assed bullshit excuse for a friendship! Its disgusting i dont even know you anymore! It disgusts me that someone like jeremy knows me and you better than we know each other! Jeremy has done me the favor of keeping out this time and i thank him for this one, because this time because now i'm getting some damn truth from you.You changed yes, I changed yes. But the reason i havent destroyed my friendship with you is because there is so much i want to say to you still! That email i never replied to was because i wouldnt be able to ever forgive myself if i didnt send you a fucking happy birthday. that was a chance for you to directly address me instead i got. "Woah giant text. Sorry I didn't check my mail till now, thank you very much." Not a single whisper as to why i had suddenly vanished. That was your first chance. So i'm sorry if that enraged me just a tad bit. I am so sorry about your tonya friend, in fact it makes me wish we werent discussing this now. because i know there is a fraction of your soul thats experiancing torment every day just because of that. But i don't have a choice now, do i? We are at the end of our line and i think its high time one of us speaks up. My mother AND father have also become a disgusting whores so i completely understand your sitution. I might be saying hi to a new step MOM AND DAD pretty soon. And theres nothing i can do about it! Your problems are important to me! I don't know why you never tell them to me! You don't trust me anymore, I don't make you happy any more, You hate me because i threw your medicine back at you, A nice can of silence. Why are we still friends!? I just wish i had the confidence to tell you one of the most important things i've ever wanted to tell you. But you've also killed my confidence in people- and talking to you. I don't know who you are. I just want my best friend back damn it! I'm sorry for my mistakes! But this cant go on like this! I can't have you drifting away. I'm either gonna have to cut the line, or you're going to have to row back to shore. You have to make this easy on the both of us. You have to choose. Because i have tried to keep you near and have failed. I want your honesty william. Dont deprieve me of that!
I have to know.
The truth.
Do you hate me?
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Luis, you know damn well I dont hate you. And it hurts me that you think I've never tried to jump into your personal life. Maybe not this time, not this dive. But that's because im still fucking confused. A part of me keeps saying to stop. Stop because in the end I'm just going to hurt you more. Not once throughout this whole relationship of ours have I ever put myself first, I'm disgusted to think that you thought so. Luis throughout most of our friendship I was always the ONLY one there for you! Sure we had our ups and downs, but no matter what, I was there! I've always asked what was wrong, what do I get? "Nothing". Those damn one worded answers again. Luis you don't know how hard it is to try and communicate with someone who only gives one worded answers! Some of these things you're saying I never did, I know I have, and in wondering why you don't ever remember me doing them! We've been friends for a long time Luis, an maybe I'm not as quick to jump to your side as I used to be and I'm sorry for that. I've tried to spend time with just you, you know that. I've tried to puck you up and take you out to eat somewhere. The great thing about jeremys house was that is was a place we could actually hangout and not have o worry about being kicked out for loitering. To be completely honest as well, the day I went on Facebook to find you defended me, was actually me jumping on to message you. To ask you out to dinner sometime. I was actually going to post a song on your wall, one that reminded me of you. Instead I found you gone. So I'm sorry that that little situation set me back a little. Not to mention you ignoring my re request of friendship, and ignoring me on AIM and on vent. My view of the situation is that you just did not want to talk to me anymore. So I just tried to live with that. God you don't know how many times I've cried to myself remembering pieces of our old friendship. It was fun, more than that it was what we both needed. I'm not even sure what some of this is saying becasue im typing it on my phone.
I'm sorry Luis, I really am. More than you know. But everything that I have done so far has also been for a reason. I've had my reasons for not contacting you. Certain things that were done Maybe it was just bad ting? Do you really think I could just sit here and watch? I can't, it pains me, but everytime I have decided to try, something happens that makes munching my mind. Lui you know I'm always here to talk to, regardless of our status as friends. I wish you could tell meneverything that is going wrong, I wish you didn't have to confer to Jeremy. You want mento ask, well then talk to me Luis! How can you have me ask when it seems like my mere voice disgusts you? Do you even have my number? 610 554 6490. Text me Luis. Aim me or something. My sleep schedule is a little odd right now so I probably won't be up very early. Why don't we just do dinner or something and sort this out? I just want to be here for you. I can't promise that I won't fall into the same habits, but I just want you to know I cam always be trusted.
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The prolem isn't that you put yourself first. It's that you put others before me and that really makes me mad especially when i'm being destroyed. I once got very frustrated with you and jeremy and ellen because you guys kept taking me out all the time wasting your money, giving me something i dont need. Sure its nice to go out and eat. but im not a materialistic person. I only get anal about my pencils and paper! But money doesnt buy my loyalty. restaurants and fancy things arent what keep me around. Its you guys! Its your personalities, your bravery, your drives and your strengths. I admire every one of my friends. (EXCEPT ELLEN). but thats another story. I chose my friend wisely and i know just how strong they can be. When i got pissed that time was because it seems you guys were getting lazy with and trying to sustain our friendship with entertainment and food! In high school our entertainment, was our talking. There was no food involved, there were no video games in the way. It was talking, we used to talk for hours upon hours. But you guys teamed up on me, said i was over reacting about money and such. So i stopped complaining. and now look what i see. Jeremy saying that everything looks shattered, miki miles away, and our friendship in shit! We stopped working, we stopped talking like we used too. And now everything is just as i predicted and how jeremy had said. "SHATTERED". I ignored your request of friendship and ignored you on vent and aim because i didnt want to see you at the time- i wanted you to feel what it feels like to want to really talk to your friend only to find that they are out somewhere else. Not listening to you. It doesn't feel very nice does it? i didnt want to do it, and i wanted to kill myself the moment i realized i did it because i knew that i couldnt undo that move- But i didnt know of any other way , it would be better than me wigging out one day at jeremy's while you were there and causing a violent ruckus. Maybe i'm an asshole for making people think that they can juggle their friends and reality like i did. But i seriously believe that all my friends are capable. That is why they are still here. They all survived the massive tests in early stages of our friendship! A year or two in and we were in massive arguements. we all survived. I guess im an assole for thinking that after all of the shit we've been through talking to your friends would be a cinch. I guess i was wrong. You can't watch you say. Well guess what- i had to watch it all while you were in dorney park, i had to watch it every summer since i had worked there. The drifting back and forth. I had to watch someone i really REALLY REALLY care about go back and forth. I had to play the deciever, i had to act like everything was fine, just so when you came back you wouldnt fine the world was actually in chaos. Because i never wanted this moment this day that is happening right now to come. Well i guess its just the nightmare come true. Its here, and this is real. The facts were i had to put my trust and squeeze little details out to jeremy who doesnt have nearly enough trust as i have for you. I had to do it just so i wouldnt implode under the pressure. I even had hoped at times that he may once again interlope in things that werent his business again. I hoped he would manage to get to you. He didn't. You say i can talk to you now. Well i'm going to talk to you, In person. And i am going to tell you things. I'm supposed to trust you. I do. Because even with all this Shit- you still havent fucked me over. were almost five years in and you have never threatened me with blackmail or any shit like that. You want to do dinner? Fine, I'll do whatever. But i really need to talk to you alone. You say you want to be here for me? Now is that time. All i am gonna ask is that i get your full honesty and as far as i know, You have always been the most honest guy i know. Its time to stop beating around the bush, and get to the end of this constant circle we have fallen into. I'll listen to you and you'll listen to me. that's all i really want. That's all i am asking for.
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But what you don't realize about us taking you out is that we aren't materialistic either. If we were, we wouldn't be wasting our money on these things. Why do you think that I always want to go to restaurants and such as opposed to fast food places? So we can sit and talk. I already live most of my life on the move, I don't want to do that with the time I spend with my friends too. Though apprently I was doing just that. You might think that I was trying to butter up our friendship with extra stuff, but I promise you, I wasn't.
I really do want to meet up with you, and in fact we will. But as I said before, I was doing all these things without ever really realizing that it was affecting you so much. I can't promise that I won't fall back into the same habits.
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i start work tommorrow- I will call you when i find a break in my schedule. We have alot more to talk about in person---
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Yeah I'm applying everywhere right now so I don't know when I'll start.
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Not normally, though I can give it a crack. No promises on how long it might take though.
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ohhhhhhhhh awsome!! you want to do an art trade?
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If you would like, sure.
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Something involving Shikamaru haha.
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alright ill get right on it sir!!!
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gefufufufu! charlie where's your premium membership?!!??!
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