Kazuto-kun [2011-12-31 09:46:45 +0000 UTC]
Definitely a good first-go. You're clearly a writer, as most people's first attempts at writing are rather bland and repetitive, but this certainly kept my attention. The details in her feet and the attention being paid to them are delicious. The opening description and the part where she first gets trapped are both especially taunting. The only criticism I have here is that the story gets kind-of jumped into. The opening paragraph is fine, but then you suddenly thrust the reader into, later that night. It's missing, sort of a transition to say, "now it's night time, she's at her house looking around for some paint," whatever. I'd also like to have a bit more description on her, such as her hair color.
On the flip side, the lengthy description of her torment really gives a sense of her agony. It feels really, long, but in a good way. Well at least, good for us. Like I said, it's a really well done first attempt, and I certainly encourage you to write more, whether that be on the same subject or not. On a side note, I'm curious about something from this story... would you mind if I note you about it?
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