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Description
Insanesoft and the Holy Nut!
Original Script of Monty Python and the Holy Grail at...
www.rit.edu/~smo4215/monty.htm

Scene 1

*wind*
*clop clop*
Joel: Whoa there...!
*clop clop*
Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
Joel: It is I, Joel, from the castle
of Jah. King of the uh.. Jahians?, defeater of the Skylands,
sovereign of all Insanity!
Guard: Whose the other one?
Joel: And this my trusty servant Xander. We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court of Jah. I must speak with your
lord and master.
Guard: What, ridden on a horse?
Joel: Yes!
Guard: You're using coconuts!
Joel: Vat?
Guard: You've got two empty halves of a coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together to make galloping sound effects!
Joel: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the Dark Caves, through--
Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Joel: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In the Dark Cave? The coconut’s tropical!
Joel: What do you mean?
Guard: Well, this is a temperate zone.
Joel: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
Guard: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Joel: Not at all, they could be carried.
Guard: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
Joel: It could grip it by the husk!
Guard: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
Joel: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Joel from the Court of Jah is here.
Guard: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
Joel: Please!
Guard: Am I right?
Joel: I'm not interested!
Guard2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
Guard1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.Guard2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
Joel: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Jah?!
Guard1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
Guard2: Oh, yeah...
Guard1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
Guard2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
Guard1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Guard2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
Guard1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Guard2: Well, why not?

Scene 2

Lucian: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
Sessar: Here's one -- nine pence.
Shuu: I'm not dead!
Lucian: What?
Sessar: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
Shuu: I'm not dead!*burps*
Lucian: Here -- he says he's not dead!
Sessar: Yes, he is.
Shuu: I'm not! Kid stop this foolishness!
Lucian: He isn't.
Sessar: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
Shuu: I'm getting better!
Sessar: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Lucian: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations.
Shuu: I don't want to go in the cart! I want to go back to the cave...Let this old dragon sleep!
Sessar: Oh, don't be such a baby!
Lucian: I can't take him...
Shuu: I feel fine!
Sessar: Oh, do us a favor...
Lucian: I can't.
Sessar: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.
Lucian: Naaah, I got to go on to Old Man's house -- they've lost
nine today.
Sessar: Well, when is your next round?
Lucian: Thursday.
Shuu: I think I'll go for a walk back to bed...
Sessar: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do dude?
Shuu: ....*grumble*.. I’m going to bed here then...Zzz
Sessar: See! Now he’s not moving..! *shoves Shuu on the cart* Thanks Dude!
Lucian: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Sessar: Right.
[clop clop]
Lucian: Who's that then?
Sessar: I don't know.
Lucian: Must be a king.
Sessar: Why?
Lucian: I don’t know why! It’s my line sheesh... Must I have ALL the answers?

Scene 3

[clop clop]
Joel: Old Woman!
Mark Twain: Man!
Joel: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Mark: I'm thirty seven.
Joel: Vat?
Mark: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
Joel: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
Mark: Well, you could say `Mark'.
Joel: Well, I didn't know you were called `Mark.'
Mark: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you, huck?
Joel: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the
behind you looked--
Mark: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an
inferior, huck!
Joel: Well, I AM king..^^U.
Mark: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to our outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our
society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
Woman: Mark, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how
d'you do?
Joel: How do you do, good lady. I am Joel, King of the Jahian. Who's castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
Joel: The Jahians.
Woman: Jamaicans? Who are the Jamaicans?
Joel: Jahians..Well, we all are. we're all Jahians and I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were anautonomous collective.
Mark: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. Damn you Huck!
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
Woamn: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
Mark: That's what it's all about if only people would--
Joel: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
Woman: No one live there.
Joel: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord.
Joel: Vat?
Mark: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We
take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the
week. Got it Huck?
Joel: Yes...
MArk: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
Joel: Yes, I see. O_o
Mark: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal
affairs,--
Joel: Be quiet!
Mark: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
Joel: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
Joel: I am your king!
Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Joel: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
Joel: The Lady of the Lake, Guardian of the Water of Muse [angels sing] her arm clad in the
purest shimmering samite, held aloft the Penguin Sword from the bosom of
the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Joel, was to
carry the Penguin Sword. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
Mark: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government, Huck! Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.
Joel: quiet you!
Mark: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Joel: Shut up!-.-
Mark: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away! Say I’m a crazy old man! Why Huck!?
Joel: Shut up! Will you shut up!T__TMark: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Joel: Shut up!-_-
Mark: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! Help me Tom!!
Joel: Bloody Twain!!>>
Mark: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear
that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing
me, you saw it didn't you?

Description
Insanesoft and the Holy Nut!
Original Script of Monty Python and the Holy Grail at...
www.rit.edu/~smo4215/monty.htm

Scene 1

*wind*
*clop clop*
Joel: Whoa there...!
*clop clop*
Guard: Halt! Who goes there?
Joel: It is I, Joel, from the castle
of Jah. King of the uh.. Jahians?, defeater of the Skylands,
sovereign of all Insanity!
Guard: Whose the other one?
Joel: And this my trusty servant Xander. We have
ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
who will join me in my court of Jah. I must speak with your
lord and master.
Guard: What, ridden on a horse?
Joel: Yes!
Guard: You're using coconuts!
Joel: Vat?
Guard: You've got two empty halves of a coconut and you're
bangin' 'em together to make galloping sound effects!
Joel: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered
this land, through the Dark Caves, through--
Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Joel: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In the Dark Cave? The coconut’s tropical!
Joel: What do you mean?
Guard: Well, this is a temperate zone.
Joel: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
Guard: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Joel: Not at all, they could be carried.
Guard: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
Joel: It could grip it by the husk!
Guard: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
Joel: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Joel from the Court of Jah is here.
Guard: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
Joel: Please!
Guard: Am I right?
Joel: I'm not interested!
Guard2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
Guard1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.Guard2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
Joel: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Jah?!
Guard1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
Guard2: Oh, yeah...
Guard1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
Guard2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
Guard1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Guard2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
Guard1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Guard2: Well, why not?

Scene 2

Lucian: Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
Sessar: Here's one -- nine pence.
Shuu: I'm not dead!
Lucian: What?
Sessar: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
Shuu: I'm not dead!*burps*
Lucian: Here -- he says he's not dead!
Sessar: Yes, he is.
Shuu: I'm not! Kid stop this foolishness!
Lucian: He isn't.
Sessar: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
Shuu: I'm getting better!
Sessar: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
Lucian: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against
regulations.
Shuu: I don't want to go in the cart! I want to go back to the cave...Let this old dragon sleep!
Sessar: Oh, don't be such a baby!
Lucian: I can't take him...
Shuu: I feel fine!
Sessar: Oh, do us a favor...
Lucian: I can't.
Sessar: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He
won't be long.
Lucian: Naaah, I got to go on to Old Man's house -- they've lost
nine today.
Sessar: Well, when is your next round?
Lucian: Thursday.
Shuu: I think I'll go for a walk back to bed...
Sessar: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
something you can do dude?
Shuu: ....*grumble*.. I’m going to bed here then...Zzz
Sessar: See! Now he’s not moving..! *shoves Shuu on the cart* Thanks Dude!
Lucian: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Sessar: Right.
[clop clop]
Lucian: Who's that then?
Sessar: I don't know.
Lucian: Must be a king.
Sessar: Why?
Lucian: I don’t know why! It’s my line sheesh... Must I have ALL the answers?

Scene 3

[clop clop]
Joel: Old Woman!
Mark Twain: Man!
Joel: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Mark: I'm thirty seven.
Joel: Vat?
Mark: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
Joel: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
Mark: Well, you could say `Mark'.
Joel: Well, I didn't know you were called `Mark.'
Mark: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you, huck?
Joel: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the
behind you looked--
Mark: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an
inferior, huck!
Joel: Well, I AM king..^^U.
Mark: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to our outdated imperialist
dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our
society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
Woman: Mark, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how
d'you do?
Joel: How do you do, good lady. I am Joel, King of the Jahian. Who's castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
Joel: The Jahians.
Woman: Jamaicans? Who are the Jamaicans?
Joel: Jahians..Well, we all are. we're all Jahians and I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were anautonomous collective.
Mark: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. Damn you Huck!
A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
Woamn: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
Mark: That's what it's all about if only people would--
Joel: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
in that castle?
Woman: No one live there.
Joel: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord.
Joel: Vat?
Mark: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We
take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the
week. Got it Huck?
Joel: Yes...
MArk: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified
at a special biweekly meeting.
Joel: Yes, I see. O_o
Mark: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal
affairs,--
Joel: Be quiet!
Mark: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
Joel: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
Joel: I am your king!
Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Joel: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
Joel: The Lady of the Lake, Guardian of the Water of Muse [angels sing] her arm clad in the
purest shimmering samite, held aloft the Penguin Sword from the bosom of
the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Joel, was to
carry the Penguin Sword. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
Mark: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing
swords is no basis for a system of government, Huck! Supreme executive
power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some
farcical aquatic ceremony.
Joel: quiet you!
Mark: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Joel: Shut up!-.-
Mark: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just
because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd
put me away! Say I’m a crazy old man! Why Huck!?
Joel: Shut up! Will you shut up!T__TMark: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Joel: Shut up!-_-
Mark: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed! Help me Tom!!
Joel: Bloody Twain!!>>
Mark: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear
that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing
me, you saw it didn't you?