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LittleWyrdOwl — The Seer snippet unedited
Published: 2011-09-17 07:06:19 +0000 UTC; Views: 253; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 3
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Description The air was moist with humidity and stuffy with sweltering hot rays of sun. The grass was turning golden brown in several places which along with the heat reminded me of walking through a barren desert. I found a small trail that headed towards a wooded area. I was glad to be out of the ferocious sunlight. I followed the trail until the canopy of trees became more and more dense. As I walked through the shade, I noticed how the light reflected from all the leaves. It cast an eerie green light all around. The more I walked , the trees grew older and became gnarled and twisted. The sort of thing you expect to see Icabod crane being frightened of. It was like walking through an old horror film. I was just waiting for some guy with a chainsaw to jump out from the next tree and saw me in half. I decided I would sit and take a break. The weariness from earlier was still present and making me feel exhausted. I sat upon a fallen tree trunk and took a water bottle from my bag. The water was refreshing and felt good upon my chapped lips. The burn around my wrist was stinging fiercely. I needed to find out why I was seeing all these…"visions" How could these things be happening to me? I grabbed my pack and with a new mindset persisted to explore the forest  
The path began to fade and off to the side in a small clearing a dilapidated shed stood haphazardly.
I lightly pushed the door open. It creaked noisily scaring several birds which flew away in a cloud of feathers and dust. I walked through the doorway and swept thick stringy cobwebs from my hair. It looked as though it was used for a tack shed as well as for hunting. There were racks of guns and knives. All sorts of tools were scattered upon an unsteady work bench. On the other side of the shed, bridals, saddles, whips and reins lined the walls. Riding helmets were stacked neatly inside a shelf. It smelled of sawdust mixed in with horse manure.

I walked slowly towards the bench. Right above It was a window caked with dust. I wiped the dust off with a horse blanket from the corner of the shack.  I looked through the window and saw the trees swaying in the wind. A shadow in the form of a human moved out from behind a near by tree. I ducked instinctively and crawled towards the wall in which the guns were hung. I grabbed a shotgun that was still loaded and exited the shack. I made my way behind it where the view from the window was. The trees were thicker here and the roots protruded out of the ground every few steps. I moved cautiously through the roots and twigs.  I stopped short a few paces of the tree where the shadow had been. I held up my shotgun ready to aim and fire. I could hear a shuffle of feet and twigs snapping underneath footfalls. I crept forward barely breathing and my heart racing. A dark shape shifted quickly towards another tree. Was it another survivor? Was someone tracking me?  I followed it and as I twisted through the tree trunks. My vision blurred and my heart nearly lept out of my chest. There you were but your skin was burned your face was covered in dried blood. Your eyes were wide with fright.  And you were mumbling broken sentences. I moved snail like towards you my gun lowered. I try to reach for you to touch you to know that you are real.  As I do, you dissipate into nothing but thin air. The trees leaves rustle unsettingly and carried on the breeze a spine chilling whisper creeps into my ear
"They're coming."

I spin around peering through the trees over and over again. My heart thudding so hard I swore it was going to burst out. My legs felt like jell-o wobbling as I stumbled back to the shed. I slamming the shed door behind me debris falling onto my hair and shoulders as I slide down to the floor. You were just there standing in front of me. The dried blood, burnt skin, and the frantic muttering. It scared me more than anything. But you couldn't be real. You disappeared.. Faded before my eyes. I wasn't sleeping. Nor was I dreaming. I was awake. And the voice.,could I imagine your voice carried out in the wind?  Could I have mistaken the branches of rustling trees for you voice? I grabbed some of the knives, guns and put them in my pack. I race back to the house. As I approach the forlorn grimy porch, I cautiously look around wary of my surroundings.
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Comments: 21

TheSkaldofNvrwinter [2011-09-17 08:25:04 +0000 UTC]

If you have criticism, I can give it. I'll have to go over it a time or two more, but I can. I have 'some' experience writing. More, at this point, than experience with art, although art is gaining on the outside turn.

They are not out-of-story references. They are called allusions. As long as the character is set at a time they would know those allusions, they ground a story in a certain reality.

I don't agree. I think switching to second person is disconcerting. But I will go into more detail if you wish. I know you requested a critique, but this is only a snippet.

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to TheSkaldofNvrwinter [2011-09-19 03:47:51 +0000 UTC]

lol any feedback I love negative or positive!

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TheSkaldofNvrwinter In reply to LittleWyrdOwl [2011-09-19 08:28:58 +0000 UTC]

I will do my best *bows*

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RedGreyV [2011-09-17 08:16:48 +0000 UTC]

I agree with everything Insanegigglemonster just said. Your wording and structure of the story reminds me much of Lord of the Flies, descriptive and intelligent, yet simple enough for someone less literature-understanding to follow. For me, I sometimes have a hard time with books and stories because either A: I lose interest (which did not happen in this case, if you have more, I am really looking forward to reading it ) or B: I just can't follow well (Which happened with David Copperfield, I had a horrible time with that book, which is surprising, because I ended up really loving it).
I am also interested in knowing the backdrop of this story, and admittingly, post-apocalypticness is my thing (every desktop I have is post-apocalyptic nowadays), so, you know, if that's the avenue you take..... lol.

I also don't have any critiques to give on this. But if a lady really must defend herself, a 5 or 6 shot revolver would work way better than a shotgun for defense purposes, while it packs a lot of power, loading it would be a drag JUST SAYIN'...

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to RedGreyV [2011-09-18 05:13:50 +0000 UTC]

Yes lol I know about the shotgun that from the very begining was to be thrown out the window. I just was all whatever at the time writing it just writing everything i pictured in my mind at that moment. I never edited it or put much thought into having it make sense. and thank you very much

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RedGreyV In reply to LittleWyrdOwl [2011-09-22 06:24:11 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome =]. Well it turned out fantastically nonetheless!

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to RedGreyV [2011-09-23 03:38:26 +0000 UTC]

thank you! that means very much!

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RedGreyV In reply to LittleWyrdOwl [2011-09-27 07:34:41 +0000 UTC]

You're welcome =], I'm working on a winter story (Christmasy feelings have just been bunching up inside me lately, I had to write about winter) I might post it if it turns out ok. I used to write all the time and have tons of stories (all unfinished lol).

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to RedGreyV [2011-09-28 04:03:22 +0000 UTC]

oh sounds like me.. plenty of unfinished

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RedGreyV In reply to LittleWyrdOwl [2011-09-28 07:19:04 +0000 UTC]

It's really easy to start, but the more information you put and the more settled you become with the general layout, the harder it is to suppress new ideas that counteract what you have already come up with.

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to RedGreyV [2011-09-29 04:09:15 +0000 UTC]

exactly! It gets tangled and twisted.. and then you don't know where to go from there

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RedGreyV In reply to LittleWyrdOwl [2011-09-29 06:01:40 +0000 UTC]

Very true! It's also hard to remember in-depth information you write towards the beginning, I always end up writing something contradictory later on.

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to RedGreyV [2011-09-29 06:03:30 +0000 UTC]

lol I do the exact same thing.

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RedGreyV In reply to LittleWyrdOwl [2011-09-29 06:40:02 +0000 UTC]

Maybe sometime we should do a duo-story, one of us would write one part, then the other one would write another, etc. I tried that with my friends Brittany and Tori when we were about 12, we finished one round and forgot about it, I still have it saved somewhere...

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to RedGreyV [2011-10-01 03:09:09 +0000 UTC]

we should!!! that would be cool!

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RedGreyV In reply to LittleWyrdOwl [2011-10-10 07:11:21 +0000 UTC]

Yeah!

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to RedGreyV [2011-10-11 03:28:59 +0000 UTC]

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TheSkaldofNvrwinter [2011-09-17 08:14:16 +0000 UTC]

I will read it as long as you keep up with my "The First Month Of Red Winter" installments

reading...

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to TheSkaldofNvrwinter [2011-09-22 05:04:25 +0000 UTC]

eeeee

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TheDarkestSonata [2011-09-17 07:48:58 +0000 UTC]

This is a very interesting segment that you've presented us with. Your writing was very descriptive without, I feel, trying overly hard to be. I was able to picture a lot of your scenes in my head, so great job with that.

I also enjoyed your out-of-story references, like Ichabod Crane or the maniacal, chainsaw wielding psychopath. It helps to give the reader some context on how they should be feeling when they read it. Another interesting thing was how you decided to go with "you" in your story rather than "he" or some other third person. It really draws the reader in. It was surprising for me to be reading about you and your story and then for me to be suddenly a part of it - a very cool twist. Though, the use of "you" could be attributed to how you address earlier characters in an earlier part of your novel and have nothing to do with the written fourth wall. In any case, I was pleasantly surprised.

I am very interested to read more, if you'll be posting it here or elsewhere, because I am burning to know the back story. It seems almost like it's post-apocalyptic or during a zombie invasion or something - who are these "survivors"? What have they survived? What's the deal with the visions?

I really don't have any criticism that you wouldn't be able to address by just editing it, but I really do want to read more. Excellent job

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LittleWyrdOwl In reply to TheDarkestSonata [2011-09-19 03:48:18 +0000 UTC]

Thank you very very much! I really appreciated it!

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