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shadowrunner2323 — Arena Version 3: Chapter One by-nc-sa
#arena #mutant #postapocalyptic #segragation
Published: 2014-09-18 17:38:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 773; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 0
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sen·tient
ˈsen(t)SH(ē)ənt/
adjective
adjective: sentient
1. able to perceive or feel things.
"she had been instructed from birth in the equality of all sentient life forms"
synonyms: (capable of) feeling, living, live; conscious, aware, responsive, reactive





Chapter One


“2135 was the year that marked the end of the third world war, which saw massive devastation on a world-wide scale. Many areas were irradiated beyond the human capability to survive there on a daily basis. The level of radiation released my the nuclear war also had a side-effect, causing major mutations in 8% of the human population. These “mutants” soon started an armed takeover attempt of the New United Nations in 2158, and were relocated to the areas that were irradiated after the prevention of the takeover. These areas became known as Mutant Zones, and were isolated from the rest of the world by half-mile high walls. Mutants currently provide mass labor as penance for their crimes.” – New United Nations History: 7th Edition, published 2219.


Zone 7 (formerly known as New York City), former state of New York, North America, 2247

For a mutant, Alec's morning was fairly simple. He woke up, got dressed, then went in search of breakfast. He normally had two options. One: he could get breakfast from his pantry. Not always appealing, since he couldn't store anything that needed refrigeration. Or two: buy breakfast. This particular morning, he decided to buy. It was a work day after all. He sighed, starting to go through his routine. His apartment was small, and barely furnished. It was one room, with a bed, a table, and two chairs. He quickly glanced around, making sure nothing was missing -midnight theft was somewhat common- then started getting dressed, pulling on and old, frayed pair of jeans and a equally ragged T-shirt. He was what most people called a wolf-mutant, meaning he had a few attributes of a wolf. Namely, he had the ears, tail, and paws of a wolf. His hands also had retractable claws in them, which were rather useful. He yawned, then put on his glasses. They were a pair he'd scavenged, so they didn't work very well, but they worked well enough. He  opened the door and stepped out into Zone 7.

Zone 7 was a tribute to the engineering creativeness of the mutants. Given limited space and irradiated ground to work with, they'd built up, becoming a large, self-sustaining city of several hundred thousand. Zone 7 reached more than a quarter mile into the sky, lifting it above the worst of the residual radiation. There were farms, towers, and more on top of this metal behemoth, and it was one of the most complicated Mutant Zones in existence. There was no real layout to the place, the buildings collecting into natural formations. It looked like science fiction, straight out of an apocalyptic novel. Alec smiled, the fur on his ears being ruffled by winds sweeping through the large canyons between buildings, accompanied by several flight-capable mutants. They were racing, a popular past-time. Many of them would have to head to work soon, becoming slave labor producing the items that humans used. Alec closed and locked his apartment behind him, walking towards a collection of food stands a few levels down. About half of the mutant population worked as slaves in the factories. The other half helped support them. The slaves received money from the other half as thanks for doing their work, which they spent on food, clothing, and other things. Alec was in the half that didn't do slave labor, but still had a job. He worked for what was optimistically called the mutant “government”. Zone 7 was built on top of the radioactive ruins of New York City, and had several areas which more or less held up the entire Zone. Alec's job was to make sure these areas were not in jeopardy of failing. This was because he was immune to radiation, or 'Radmune'. This made him ideal for the job, as he could safely traverse the “lower levels” as they were called. After several minutes of walking, he reached the food stands. About half of the Zone's supplies were obtained via an illegal black-market, so occasional odd things would show up. Alec chuckled as he remembered the time he'd found an old robotic dog. The vendor had been insisting that it was edible. He was soon proved wrong. Alec browsed what was for sale, homing in on some microwaved grits. Alec bought a bowl, happily chowing down. Since electricity was hard to come by, and fire was a serious risk, warm food was hard to come by in Zone 7. fortunately, electricity was getting easier to obtain, though it was still expensive.

 He started working his way down to the Lower Levels, taking half-forgotten stairways and ladders. As he got closer, he removed a breath mask from his bag and put it on. While the radiation wouldn't kill him, the lower levels were still hazardous. There were gas pockets, airborne rubble, not to mention all of the heavy metals in the water that flooded most of it. Alec sighed as he stopped climbing down just above the flood line. Since the walls sealed the whole area, rainwater had flooded the lower levels over time, and were still rising. There were several efforts to purify the water for drinking, but were so far unsuccessful. Alec sighed and eased into the water, sinking up to his waist. In a few more years, his job would be quite difficult. Alec's ears folded down, he did not like getting his tail wet, it was like a sponge. Plus people made wet dog jokes about him.

He sighed, walking through the water towards an old park. It was one of the few areas that were above water. The maintenance group was small, given the small number of Radmune mutants, and Alec's team was made up of only two other mutants. The team leader was Juisk, an 18 year old who looked mostly human, with the exception of the goat-like horns growing from his forehead. The other member was Aiden, a 17 year-old like Alec that was obviously aquatic, with blueish-green skin, gills, and webbed hands and feet. He was Alec's best friend. Alec greeted them as he approached, wringing out his tail. Alden chuckled at Alec's predicament. “something smells like wet dog.” he said, grinning, only to dodge the spray of water sent his way. Juisk smiled behind his mask at the younger teens' antics. “well, let's get to work.” he said, interrupting them. “we've got a special request to check the east end, apparently there's been some pretty serious creaking there.”

Alec nodded, that was his area to patrol. “right.”Juisk gave them a quick safety reminder, don't drink the water, etc. that he was required to give them, then they split up, looking for damaged supports. Alec hummed a tune as he sloshed through the water, enjoying the quietness of his route. The water here was only up to his knees, allowing him to hold his tail out of the water. Alec frowned as he noticed support that seemed to be a bit overloaded. He took note of it's location; it was probably the cause of the complaints above. He sighed. The Zone just kept getting bigger, and the supports were not growing with it.

 He kept moving, but noticed something. There was a girl's body leaning against a wall. Alec dashed over, checking for a pulse. She was alive. He quickly checked her for wounds, but didn't find any. Alec frowned, taking a better look. She was about twelve or thirteen, and heavily mutated with orange fur over her entire body, canine-like paws, fox-like ears, nose and tail, she was breathing shallowly, and barely weighed anything when Alec picked her up. He got out a two-way radio and held down the send button. “Juisk? You there?” he asked, trying not to lose his grip on the girl. There was silence for a few seconds, then Juisk came on. “Yeah. What's up?” the radios were for emergencies only, but Alec was fairly certain this counted. “I just found a girl down here. She's unconscious.” on the other end of the radio, Juisk thought for a moment. “get her topside as fast as you can. Mark where she was and give me your location. Me and Aiden will handle the rest of the run down here and report to the government.” Alec nodded. “Got it.” he put the radio away, wedged a metal pole into the ground where the girl had been, then started for the nearest way back up to the Upper Levels. It took a while to get up the ladder with the girl on his back, but he managed it.

-------


Alec panted as he gently laid the girl on his bed, then collapsed into a chair, panting. She wasn't heavy, in fact, she couldn't have weighed more than seventy pounds, but he wasn't exactly fit himself. He sighed, getting a towel and a spare change of clothes and leaving the apartment, again locking it. He had to take a shower to get rid of any radiation he'd brought with him, and the sooner the better. He'd have the girl take one when she woke up. if she woke up. He trekked to the nearest anti-radiation showers, and started the water flowing. It wasn't just water of course, there was rad foam mixed in, and he kept his mouth closed tightly. Once he was done, he toweled himself dry and changed, then headed back home after washing his clothes. The girl was awake when he entered, scurrying into a corner as he  closed the door behind him, making sure to leave it unlocked, hoping it would help her relax. He put down his stuff on the table and sat on the bed a few feet from her. By now she had pulled the covers up to her face, only her eyes and her ears visible. Alec smiled at her, not making any moves, aware that she'd possibly been abused. It was rare, but not unheard-of. “Hello” he said. “I'm Alec. Can you tell me your name?” the girl was still cowering, but she had lowered the blanket a little and was at least listening. Alec decided to just get her talking. “Are you hungry? Would you like anything to eat?” she didn't say anything for a bit, then nodded. “Yes please....” She said, her voice hoarse. Alec nodded, then stood up and rummaged through a cabinet, pulling out some peanut butter and bread. “are you okay with a peanut butter sandwich?” he asked, to which the girl nodded. Alec made her food and handed it to her. The girl cautiously accepted it, then sniffed at it, like she expected it to be drugged. Alec sat back down on the bed, maintaining his distance from her. Once she satisfied herself that it safe to eat, she started eating it, quickly shoving it all into her mouth, like she expected someone to take it. This disturbed Alec deeply. He wondered where she'd learned this behavior. She finished eating, pulling the blanket back up a bit. “T-thanks....” she said, and Alec smiled. “You're welcome.” he said, his tail wagging slightly. “Would you mind telling me your name?” he tried. The girl thought for a moment, then whispered so quietly that Alec's ears nearly missed it. “Leaf...” Alec smiled again. “it's nice to meet you.” he said. She nodded slightly. Alec sighed. “you know, I'm not gonna hurt you.” he said. Leaf shook her head. “No, actually...” her voice was starting to sound less hoarse, as if she hadn't used it in a while. Alec frowned at her response. “Has another mutant hurt you?” he asked. She refused to answer. Alec sighed. “well, i'm gonna take a nap. Wake me if you need me.” he relaxed on one of the chairs, soon falling asleep. Leaf watched him, too nervous to fall asleep herself. Alec seemed like a nice guy, but she'd fallen for that trick before. Once she was sure he was actually asleep, she let the blanket go, crawling to the edge of the bed, analysing him. He was obviously not someone who did hard labor. He was skinny, lightweight, and looked like he could barely lift anything. Personal hygiene also didn't seem to be a large priority. His unkempt brown hair hung over his eyes in a tangled mess, and his Grey tail fur wasn't very well kept either. She was also interested in the breath mask and two-way radio visible in his well worn shoulder bag. They weren't items she was familiar with, and she decided to leave them alone. She quickly looked over the rest of the apartment, there wasn't much to see. Slightly less worried now, she hid under the covers and slowly fell asleep.

Related content
Comments: 11

DamonWakes [2014-09-24 11:58:06 +0000 UTC]

Just saw your message asking for feedback--sorry it took me a while to get back to you, but my internet connection cut out last week and only just got fixed. I'm afraid I'm also just about to step out, so don't have time to read this just now. Given what things are like at the moment, I'm afraid I can't guarantee I'll manage a complete read-through at all (I'm seriously swamped right now and have already been neglecting other people's work for some time). However, there is one thing I can recommend at a glance: parapgraphs. You need paragraphs.

On one level, few people are going to read a wall of text, so if you're looking for feedback (or just to share your work in general) you'll be doing yourself a favour by making your work easier on the eye. Paragraphs make it easier for the reader to keep their place while reading. On another (arguably more important) level, paragraphs organise your story and give it significance. Since each one focuses on a single idea (and if it doesn't, you should think about rewriting) they let you highlight important elements and separate what's crucial to the story from what's just dropped in for flavour.

So to summarise: paragraphs will make your work more accessible and get more people interested, and (used effectively) they'll also make your writing better overall. I hope this helps.

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shadowrunner2323 In reply to DamonWakes [2014-09-24 12:10:44 +0000 UTC]

ok ^^ and yikes, you sound busy.

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DamonWakes In reply to shadowrunner2323 [2014-09-25 11:51:19 +0000 UTC]

Just checked back. This is a significant improvement, but it could still definitely do with being broken up further just to help the reader out. Also, if you honestly can't form this into multiple paragraphs then that suggests there's some other problem with the writing. Having initially written this as one large block, it may well be necessary to tweak individual sentences in order to break it up. It's always possible there'll always be a convenient place--and I'm assuming that's where you've added these breaks--but if there isn't and a paragraph is running on, then the thing to do is to rewrite it in a way that forms two distinct paragraphs. It's a hassle, but ultimately I think your writing (as well as your readers) will benefit from it.

However, I notice that in the middle of that huge chunk at the end, you've got a lot of character speech. That's not only your opportunity to break it up into paragraphs, it's gramatically necessary to do so:

"Every time a new character speaks," explained Sarah, "you start a new paragraph."

"Hang on," said Bob, "Every single time?"

"Yes." Sarah nodded. "Just like we're doing now."

I'd recommend familiarising yourself with the rules regarding paragraphs, and ideally basic writing skills in general. Please don't take this the wrong way--having not read through the complete chapter, I can't comment on anything beyond the basic layout I've seen at a glance--but this is an obvious issue with the story and it suggests to me that there are probably other things you could do with checking up on. Think of spelling, grammar and punctuation as the foundation of your story: the big boring concrete chunks everything else rests on. They're not much to look at, and in an ideal world your readers won't even think about them, but if something goes wrong with your foundation then everything else starts to crumble.

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shadowrunner2323 In reply to DamonWakes [2014-09-25 11:58:01 +0000 UTC]

ok. probably wont do much more on this chapter, but i'll work on it with chapter 2.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

DamonWakes In reply to shadowrunner2323 [2014-09-25 13:03:50 +0000 UTC]

By all means press on with the story--you can't let it grind to a halt just to edit what you've already got--but I would highly recommend polishing up Chapter One in particular as much as you can. One issue with long fiction is that people have to start at the beginning, so Chapter Two isn't going to gain you any readers. The best you can hope for is that people will skim a little and be intrigued, which will be their prompt to then go back and start from the beginning (so again, the first chapter is your chance to really grab them).

This is totally about gaining a following online and nothing to do with actually improving your writing, but indirectly it can be a help. The more people you can get invested in your story and wanting to see how it continues, the more people will point out flaws along the way, and so the more you'll be able to improve. A gripping first chapter is your first step towards that.

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shadowrunner2323 In reply to DamonWakes [2014-09-25 14:07:16 +0000 UTC]

ok.

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Vocaloidking [2014-09-18 19:32:10 +0000 UTC]

Really excellent^^ I love the part about the wet dog jokesXD well written as always:3

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shadowrunner2323 In reply to Vocaloidking [2014-09-18 20:02:27 +0000 UTC]

thanks ^^

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Vocaloidking In reply to shadowrunner2323 [2014-09-18 20:04:03 +0000 UTC]

Ur welcome^^ u can still get comments?...XD
How r ya?:3

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

shadowrunner2323 In reply to Vocaloidking [2014-09-18 20:36:03 +0000 UTC]

using some phone data....

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

Vocaloidking In reply to shadowrunner2323 [2014-09-18 20:40:57 +0000 UTC]

Oh...XD I would too, Ur smart:3 I wish I was as smart as you:3

👍: 0 ⏩: 0