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ShihSnTz — Set You Free
#spirits
Published: 2017-07-20 14:50:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 233; Favourites: 13; Downloads: 0
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Description
Sitting here, alone in the rain
The waters rolling down the glass
A foolish child, I wasn’t built to last
The ending of all of this was preordained
Spirits please...
My hands, they'll begin to shake
Black to red to white back again
Broken animal in an empty den
Snap my bones, rip my skin to end this ache
Spirits please...
There's worlds drifting twixt you and me
Spiraling all around and through
They'll tear from out of me into you
So end it now love and take off, freely
Spirits please...
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Comments: 6
I like the first stanza best. It flows, the image is strong and conveys the feeling well. The middle stanza won't quite congeal for me -- I can't seem to link the first two lines and the next two into a whole. The third is whole again, but line three is a little awkward in its phrasing.
The clippy, two-word line ending each stanza already makes an impression by itself, but the repetition renders it quite powerful and gives the poem character. The effect is further enhanced in the first two stanzas by the preceding line being long and flowing smoothly, enhancing the contrast.
I think you and septlaxer are both right; the structure can lend itself to narrative quite well, but a series of related images linked by the common final line is also a good option -- I'm personally probably going to prefer the narrative, but that's my taste rather than anything inherent.
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That's fair, for me the second line is mostly about regret for actions taken. But I can see how that's not obviously apparent. Trying to get lines to fit for me can always bea pain since I was trying to hit a specific syllable count.
Thanks for all the time you spend on my work by the way, it is really appreciated.
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OK, that makes sense.
Time: You're welcome. I enjoy a lot of the stuff you write.
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I think the biggest issue with this piece is that there isnt a cohesive story, its like snippets of stories from different characters, perhaps it would be good to utilize the structure to tell a story scattered over a long period of time
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I wasn't really shooting for a narrative feel so much a a bit more abstract string of images, maybe this form will lend itself to a more narrative structure though. Thanks for the advice.
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