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sidone — My world
Published: 2011-05-31 14:03:09 +0000 UTC; Views: 250; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 2
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Description
I was my own world,I always stood so tall,
Till the day that you showed up
And broke down my wall.
The one that held me back,
You opened up my heart,
And made me feel so alive
Till you got bored
Leaving me struggling to survive.
I was shocked, angered by how you were gone,
Not a word, a reason or explanation.
How could you? you emotionless soul,
I should have resisted your flirtation.
But how could I have,
You opened up my heart,
And made me feel so alive
Till you got bored
Leaving me struggling to survive.
As days went by, you already moved on,
A new girl on your arm,
Since I was already over and done,
Amused at how she was fooled by your charm
I laughed wondering how long you'll have fun.
I have since mended my heart,
And breaking free from that binding chain.
Since then, I've become more street smart.
Leaving behind the unwanted strain.
I am my only world,
I stand taller than before,
Now no one can come
And break down my mended wall anymore.
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Comments: 1
Good day. I am from and will be critiquing this on behalf of the group.
Firstly, I apologise for the time it took to critique this. We have a bit of a backlog at the moment.
I like the concept of this set of lyrics more than I like the execution. What I mean by that is that I like the theme, but the rhyme scheme and meter are often jerky and halted - this makes it difficult to lyrically read the piece.
Grammar:
Your grammar is good. I didn't spot any glaring errors.
Punctuation:
I like the way that you have punctuated this piece. The reader cannot become confused due to the excellent work you have done to tell them where to pause and breathe or where to continue.
Structure:
You start of what I presume is Verse (V) 1 with a four-line stanza (ST). You keep this for V2, but when one gets to V3 you have changed this to a 5-liner. This throws off your rhythm somewhat, and contributes to what I was saying earlier about your meter being a bit off.
(Clarification: in case you didn't know, meter is the number of syllables per line).
Imagery:
You use some nice imagery within this piece, but I feel, personally, that it isn't enough. This piece relies mainly on emotion - which isn't wrong - and the imagery, I feel, suffers because of this.
Rhyme:
Your rhyme is good and doesn't appear forced. The only issue I have with it is when you increase your number of lines from 4 to 5 - this throws it off a bit.
Meter:
Your meter could use some work. It is good for the first part of the piece and then it kind of disintegrates. I would look into improving this.
Overall:
J
👍: 0 ⏩: 0