Comments: 46
Fresh-Minty [2019-12-17 11:40:39 +0000 UTC]
Hey again. I am here once again thanks to 's contest.
And I wasn't going to pass up and miss the rest of their escape. Which lasted longer than I expected it would. By the way, I don't really recall, but I don't think the Elf Princess activated her voice disguise in the previous part. And as it's not mentionned any time here, wouldn't have Cassie noticed, or at least recognised a bit, the Elf's voice as the one of her friend? Or she hadn't paid attention to it on the moment (they were fighting Brutus after all, and he was a hell of an opponent) and it'd dawn on her later (either when she tells the tale to Brianna or when she meets the princess again under her disguise?
Regarding Dynamite Soldier (btw, I now understand why he is called thus! That man is a walking armory with quite a lot of explosive to use) and his name, I think Trevor Willow is a nice one and not one to laugh at. Or, actually, not because his first name is "Trevor", but because his last name is "Willow". Do everyone from his planet get tree name? or fruit name (for Apple tree for instance)? While we're on the subject of Dynamite and of his people, the weapon described and used by his fellow reminded me quite a bit of those weapon used by the Goa'uld from the series "Stargate". Actually, that was the first thought that came to my mind when Madame Nightshade described it as "spear", though, upon re-reading, it may just be a "regular" gun (to us, but with more fire power).
Now, I am not fully certain what you call "easter egg" or "foreshadowing", but I know one thing for sure, Willow missed an important cliché here: the villain falling down, seemingly to their death, only to reappear later on because the good guys hadn't checked he really was dead. And therefore I am almost 100% certain that Brutus is going to show up again, planning his revenge against the Elf Princess who hadn't helped him and, actually, helped his foes getting rid of him. Though, in the heroes' defense, they didn't really have the time to check Brutus' death right away as the rest of the Dark Alliance had shown up. BUT they could have done it afterwards, once Willow's reinforcement had arrived, forcing the Dark Alliance to get away.
By the way, it was an awesome idea that Cassie got with the bat and how to use it as a decoy. Though, in a way, I am also surprised that the bat didn't wake up when Cassie and Dynamite passed by it with their torch. Especially when Cassie brought it up close to it (the bat).
Regarding the form, I believe this 2nd part could have been cut into two parts, around here "The imp had long lost track of their scent, going the other way by the time they reached the entrance of the tunnel, but new danger awaited them. " In my opinion, it'd have been a nice way to end it and give the reader the will to read what happens next. Quite like a cliffhanger.
Also, as I had said previously, don't hesitate to leave a line break because it makes the text lighter and more easily to read. And, just as last time, use a way to separate the part when you focus on one group's (like Dynamite and Cassie's) point of view and the part you focus on someone else's point of view, it would make it less confusing.
Speaking of confusion, as I liked the plan devised by Cassie with the bat, as it happened in a "flashback", putting it in italic or another font would have helped understand it happened in the past (just my opinion here.
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A few typos/gramar mistakes:
" Yes, as they were running away from Brutus and the Elven Princess " I believe it's "Yet, as they were running..."
" Cassie who trailing behind" => who was trailing behind
"“Why did you leave me behind like that!” // "How dare he say that about her! " // “Why are you still carrying around that stupid torch!” // " “…WHY AM I STILL CARRYING THIS STUPID TORCH!” // “What’s so funny about this! (btw, Brutus could growl this instead of shouting) // "If I give you my real name will you SHUT UP!"=> question mark needed here
"She’ll show him," => She was going to/would show him. You can't use present tense as it's not quite what Lady Defender is thinking (otherwise go with "I will show him!" in italic/different font to make it clear it's her thought)
" “Who’s slow now~?” Cassie said teasingly, as she looks behind her" => "Cassie asked teasingly as she looked behind her/cast a glance behind" (asked is better than said as it's a question, I don't understand the ~ at the end of said question and "cast a glance" would sound better to me, unless she full on turned her head to look behind)
"She suddenly stopped, as he then examined something near the wall of the tunnel" => I believe she examined the "something" as Dynamite passed by her after. However, you can do something "as" and "then" something else, it's one or the other. ^^
"And it doesn’t matter because don’t get use to it" => "And [it doesn't matter because] you shouldn't get used to it" ('it doesn't matter because' can be optional for impact)
" Cassie looked on" => Cassie looked down (?)
"but Brutus stopped her again when he said as he followed," => it may need a rephrasing because I needed to think about it to understand that it was the words he said as he followed her down the cave that stopped her. (may just be my brain being slow though)
" “Listen you, if you start spouting nonsense about me to our superiors, I’ll…” she warned him.
Brutus, on the other hand, was not impressed nor afraid of her threats. He simply rose his battle axe to her throat, cutting her off mid-sentence." => To add more to the tension of the scene, I'd put it in this order:
"You listen to me!" she warned him. "If you start spouting nonsense about me to our superior, I'll..."
His battle axe rose to her throat, cutting her off mid-sentence. Brutus hadn't been impressed by nor afraid of her threat." or something like this. (I am merely suggesting)
" She was so careful up to this point, " => She had been so careful
"It was clear there is still hostility between them so she needs dot lightened to mood" => there was still hostility so she needed to lighten the mood (I guess? not sure if 'dot lightened to mood' is a saying - couldn't find anything like this anyway)
"Cassie gave chase before she immediately caught up," => hm... that's not right... if she immediately catch up, she can't give chase, and vice versa.
" looking passed him " => looking past him
"They must be careful not to be spotted." => They had to be careful... (must is for present tense I believe - or so I have been taught)
"he couldn’t remember the last time he was so nervous." => he had been/felt so nervous
" out of them way." => out of their way
" once again flood the cave system" => flooded the cave system
"other members of the Dark Alliance was fast approaching" => were fast approaching
"sudden explosion collapse the tunnel" => collapsed the tunnel
" Walking passed Brutus," => Walking past Brutus
" as they trie to push " => tried to push
" you’re acting as if you two are something more like as friends" => 'like friends'
"two fo us help her now" => the two of us
"It hadn’t worked in the cave because the signal was blocked the thick layers of stone since he was underground" => it's a bit of a repetition here: we know he was underground, I don't think it's needed to precise it. "It hadn't worked in the cave as the thick layers of stone blocked the signal" would work just fine (in my opinion)
" Brutus smirked, however, as she grabbed his axe once more and sun around. " 'as he grabbed his axe once more and swung around'?
"This impromptu attack dismantled Cassie’s," Cassie's.... stone prison?
"knowing now what that red stick was capable no" => was capable ... to do?
"Th Elf King" (x2) => The Elf King
"Nightshade dared to asked after moments" => dared to ask
" Dynamite’s gin" => Dynamite's grin
" she was cut off before sh can utter a retort " => she was cut off before she could utter ...
"She thought he was going mad or something, but that was before she was cut off before sh can utter a retort" => She thought she was going mad [...] she could utter [repetition with the sentence before, + same typo]
"This only served tp prompt one " => to prompt one
" her since of wonder" => her... sense? feeling of wonder?
"She filthy, exhausted, " => she was/felt filthy
"She hadn’t expect " => she hadn't expected
And now gonna read those previous chapter
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THEMYSTERYWRITER In reply to Fresh-Minty [2019-12-18 06:19:51 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much!
And also, why does everyone think Brutus is coming back? He’s dead. It’ll be confirmed in a future chapter. He was meant to be a one-off, and you’re not the first to think otherwise.
And I see you missed the connection as well. My little secret is safe for now. LOL
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Fresh-Minty In reply to THEMYSTERYWRITER [2019-12-18 09:15:42 +0000 UTC]
If I (and, from what you said, other people) believe that Brutus isn't dead, it's because of the cliché I mentionned: if the heroe doesn't check the villain is dead, then the villain is bound to come back to get their revenge. And the corollary: if the Villain is indeed dead, then their offspring/someone close to them will appear to have said villain avenged.
Given your story rely on and play with cliché, it'd have been expected to happen.
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PeachyNovae [2019-12-16 22:16:07 +0000 UTC]
Nice story!! I really enjoyed it! <3
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Burke23 [2019-11-05 08:01:46 +0000 UTC]
Awesome
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Burke23 In reply to THEMYSTERYWRITER [2019-11-05 21:51:38 +0000 UTC]
I liked everything, the only part that really irked me was the lack of indented and/or spaced paragraphs
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THEMYSTERYWRITER In reply to Burke23 [2019-11-06 06:34:39 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, sorry about that. I just copied and pasted it from the original document. I would just upload the actual doc, but apparently not everyone can read them. Weird. I can try that int he future though.
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AntithesisOfASoul [2019-02-01 03:08:53 +0000 UTC]
Fun little yarn you've woven here! And boomstick boy is a testy lil somebody XD WITH A MASSIVE CRUSH ON SOMEBODY~ good thing he's not Pinocchio he'd be in a world of trouble
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DevilAntRat [2019-01-26 20:39:35 +0000 UTC]
cool! I love the fight against Brutus
he's probably washed up on a shore somewhere, Nightshade should go search for him and leave Cassie alone..
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DevilAntRat In reply to THEMYSTERYWRITER [2019-01-27 03:06:23 +0000 UTC]
nope, the only thing I caught is that someone who can survive shocks on his head as powerful as 20 stick of TNT wouldn't die from a fall from any distance unless he'd weight half a hundred ton, but he could still die drowned because of how an avalanche falling on him could force the air out of his lungs and how he screamed like a dumb ass instead of taking a big breath of fresh air because he would probably have a lot of swimming to do to find the surface of the water and some new air since he'd got a huge chunk of cliff falling on his head and blocking the straight path towards survival..
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THEMYSTERYWRITER In reply to DevilAntRat [2019-01-27 03:11:42 +0000 UTC]
You’ll find out in chapter six. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the other chapters if you have read them or plan on reading them. Don’t worry, they’re all shorter than this one LOL
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THEMYSTERYWRITER In reply to inktopia [2019-01-26 03:19:36 +0000 UTC]
But I see you didn’t see the foreshadowing either~
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inktopia In reply to THEMYSTERYWRITER [2019-01-26 11:27:42 +0000 UTC]
Haha well....
The one where the elven princess is probably on cassies side for some reason? And you start to wonder wether there are deper feelings involved?
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THEMYSTERYWRITER In reply to inktopia [2019-01-27 01:04:25 +0000 UTC]
It’ll be awhile, but I’m planning to start chapter 5 soon
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tehwatcher [2019-01-25 07:11:07 +0000 UTC]
1st 0-0 woah fantastic work
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