HOME | DD

Description
LARRY: A MAN OF STUPIDITY

By Brendan Hulse-Storr

There once was a man named Larry Grinshenko, who was born on Bristol to a Turkey Farmer and a Tory MP. Out of the two, the turkey farmer would be the smartest. He was the most stupidest man in the world and he often served as a waste paper basket for his dad. He had messy, mustard coloured hair, blue jeans, a black T-shirt and always had a tongue by the side of his face. He always says 'Hi Buddy!' to anyone he meets. In fact, when he came out, those were his first words.

When he was five, he was kept back at nursery school because he couldn't get the alphabet right.
It wasn't until he was nine that the staff got sick and tired of him and and chucked him out of the nursery. From that day, the only letter of the alphabet he knows was 'A'.

When he was ten, his best friend was a basket ball he affectionately called 'Greg'. They would spend their time playing...well, basket ball.
Larry went to the park with Greg one day, and as Greg was bouncing around, a bunch of hooded teenagers, who were up to no good, crowded round Larry and Greg. They demanded Larry to hand over Greg because they lost their basket ball to the park keeper (who had the misfortune of being called 'Percy').
Larry, however, suggested that they play on the bouncy castle that was nearby and says that they'll have lots of fun. The teens laughed at his suggestion and kept demanding Greg.
Then Larry offered the teens his hot dog, that he was holding at the time, and said 'Do you guys want a bite of my wiener?'
That instead resulted in Larry having a beating by the insulted teens. The teens then stole Greg, played basket ball with Greg, and then played another game of basket ball within the bouncy castle, which is now full of beer and drugs.
Larry never got Greg back. He cried for weeks.
He owed Greg five pounds.

Larry started secondary school and he was fifteen by then.
He was an utter failure!
He wasn't good at Maths (something we can relate to), he failed to finish exams, he kept going to detentions that resulted on the headmaster having a nervous breakdowns on a daily basis and ate frog legs when he was suppose to dissect the frog.
That was then that Larry met this girl.
Her name was Carly and she was the president of the debate team.
Larry tried to get her attention but she doesn't like him. He smelled like monkey sweat.
Larry, however, was persistent.
He decided to make a song about her to show his dedication.
One night, he went to Carly's house, stood outside her garden with a man with a mouth organ called 'Dutch'. Larry began his singing outside Carly's window while Dutch played the mouth organ.
But the singing was awful!!?
Cats screeched, dogs barked and neighbor's switched their lights on and opened their windows, wondering what the hell was going on?
They then assaulted Dutch and chased Larry out of the streets, throwing alarm clocks and their shoes at him for disturbing their sleep.
Next day, Larry got a restraining order from Carly and he never saw her again.
He still sings better than all the members of One Direction combined if you ask me.

Larry never got into university in his adult life, because he was rejected by the principle. And all he said to him and his parents was 'Fat chance!'
That never really bothered Larry to be honest, he got a job at the cheesecake factory.
It was going well for him until the day he went to the manager's office and suggested they make a new flavour.
The manager, who was desperate to make more money than his rivals on the cheesecake business, said 'Okay, let's make some flavours then!'
Unfortunately, the flavour Larry suggested was broccoli and cabbage.
It was the most disgusting thing you can ever consume!!
It caused blindness, sickness and violent diarrhea!!!
The cheesecake factory lost most of it's business and Larry was fired with reduced salary.

Larry later on in life moved to a flat in Leeds with a llama called Phil.
Out of the two, Phil would be the smart one. Though if you asked him a maths question, he'd probably fail to count how many cars there are in the street they live in.
Phil often prefers to stay at home, on the living room, watching cop shows and cop movies while eating Pringles.
Larry, however, always persuades Phil to go outside with him and enjoy the sunshine.
But Phil's reason for staying home was the half truth. Whilst he is a Lethal Weapon fan, reality was that Phil cannot stand his annoying flatmate. Larry has got himself in trouble with the law due to his idiocy.
One time, he got himself arrested for standing in a no standing zone.
How he did that, Phil didn't know and he doesn't want to know. Another time, Larry got two months for impersonating Gary Lineker, one other time, Larry got sued for accidentally setting fire their next door neighbor's lawn, and all he did was trying to set a firework off.
There was this one time, which topped all of them, where Larry tried bringing back an abandoned 70's trend...streaking.
When they watched a cricket match, Larry took off his clothes, ran down the stadium stairs and ran round the cricket pitch naked. This caused Larry to be an internet meme and for him to be a victim of police brutality as they tasered his balls, pepper sprayed his eyes and clobbered him with batons.
If Phil had a sense of humour, he would be laughing his arse off.
Not surprisingly, with a flatmate like that, Phil often contemplate suicide.

One morning, Larry suggested that they go for a walk to the park.
Phil really didn't want to, for he wanted to watch CSI Miami on Netflix.
But unfortunately, Phil was dragged outside.
The sun was shining, the birds was singing and the homeless drunk was removed from the bench.
Larry was enjoying himself. Phil, on the other hand, didn't like the outdoors, for there were too many fat children.
They passed the duck pond and saw people feeding the ducks.
'Why do people feed bread to the ducks anyway?' asked Larry.
Before Phil could abuse Larry for being so damn retarded, they saw something.
It was a kite on an electric telegraph pole. It stood alone and singed.
Larry decided to bring it down and see if there was any children missing it, or at least keep it for a day at the sea.
Phil said that it was a terrible idea, but Larry went up to get it anyway.
It was a bad move.
Larry touched the kite and got the literal shock of his life! He fizzled, scorched, buzzed, sparkled and shocked until the telegraph pole explosion got him sent flying and he landed on a bush.

Larry was briefly on hospital but died later on. Phil's last words to him was how much of a moron he was and he has as much brain cells as a conservative. To make matters worse, Larry never made a will, so his ex-wife got nothing.
He left some king of legacy though, he hold the Guinness World Record for being the most stupidest man on Earth, next to Donald Trump.
So, the moral of the story is don't lose your basket ball, don't be held back at nursery, don't create gross flavours and don't touch electric kites!
Chances are, you're going to end up like Larry if you're not careful.

THE END

Description
LARRY: A MAN OF STUPIDITY

By Brendan Hulse-Storr

There once was a man named Larry Grinshenko, who was born on Bristol to a Turkey Farmer and a Tory MP. Out of the two, the turkey farmer would be the smartest. He was the most stupidest man in the world and he often served as a waste paper basket for his dad. He had messy, mustard coloured hair, blue jeans, a black T-shirt and always had a tongue by the side of his face. He always says 'Hi Buddy!' to anyone he meets. In fact, when he came out, those were his first words.

When he was five, he was kept back at nursery school because he couldn't get the alphabet right.
It wasn't until he was nine that the staff got sick and tired of him and and chucked him out of the nursery. From that day, the only letter of the alphabet he knows was 'A'.

When he was ten, his best friend was a basket ball he affectionately called 'Greg'. They would spend their time playing...well, basket ball.
Larry went to the park with Greg one day, and as Greg was bouncing around, a bunch of hooded teenagers, who were up to no good, crowded round Larry and Greg. They demanded Larry to hand over Greg because they lost their basket ball to the park keeper (who had the misfortune of being called 'Percy').
Larry, however, suggested that they play on the bouncy castle that was nearby and says that they'll have lots of fun. The teens laughed at his suggestion and kept demanding Greg.
Then Larry offered the teens his hot dog, that he was holding at the time, and said 'Do you guys want a bite of my wiener?'
That instead resulted in Larry having a beating by the insulted teens. The teens then stole Greg, played basket ball with Greg, and then played another game of basket ball within the bouncy castle, which is now full of beer and drugs.
Larry never got Greg back. He cried for weeks.
He owed Greg five pounds.

Larry started secondary school and he was fifteen by then.
He was an utter failure!
He wasn't good at Maths (something we can relate to), he failed to finish exams, he kept going to detentions that resulted on the headmaster having a nervous breakdowns on a daily basis and ate frog legs when he was suppose to dissect the frog.
That was then that Larry met this girl.
Her name was Carly and she was the president of the debate team.
Larry tried to get her attention but she doesn't like him. He smelled like monkey sweat.
Larry, however, was persistent.
He decided to make a song about her to show his dedication.
One night, he went to Carly's house, stood outside her garden with a man with a mouth organ called 'Dutch'. Larry began his singing outside Carly's window while Dutch played the mouth organ.
But the singing was awful!!?
Cats screeched, dogs barked and neighbor's switched their lights on and opened their windows, wondering what the hell was going on?
They then assaulted Dutch and chased Larry out of the streets, throwing alarm clocks and their shoes at him for disturbing their sleep.
Next day, Larry got a restraining order from Carly and he never saw her again.
He still sings better than all the members of One Direction combined if you ask me.

Larry never got into university in his adult life, because he was rejected by the principle. And all he said to him and his parents was 'Fat chance!'
That never really bothered Larry to be honest, he got a job at the cheesecake factory.
It was going well for him until the day he went to the manager's office and suggested they make a new flavour.
The manager, who was desperate to make more money than his rivals on the cheesecake business, said 'Okay, let's make some flavours then!'
Unfortunately, the flavour Larry suggested was broccoli and cabbage.
It was the most disgusting thing you can ever consume!!
It caused blindness, sickness and violent diarrhea!!!
The cheesecake factory lost most of it's business and Larry was fired with reduced salary.

Larry later on in life moved to a flat in Leeds with a llama called Phil.
Out of the two, Phil would be the smart one. Though if you asked him a maths question, he'd probably fail to count how many cars there are in the street they live in.
Phil often prefers to stay at home, on the living room, watching cop shows and cop movies while eating Pringles.
Larry, however, always persuades Phil to go outside with him and enjoy the sunshine.
But Phil's reason for staying home was the half truth. Whilst he is a Lethal Weapon fan, reality was that Phil cannot stand his annoying flatmate. Larry has got himself in trouble with the law due to his idiocy.
One time, he got himself arrested for standing in a no standing zone.
How he did that, Phil didn't know and he doesn't want to know. Another time, Larry got two months for impersonating Gary Lineker, one other time, Larry got sued for accidentally setting fire their next door neighbor's lawn, and all he did was trying to set a firework off.
There was this one time, which topped all of them, where Larry tried bringing back an abandoned 70's trend...streaking.
When they watched a cricket match, Larry took off his clothes, ran down the stadium stairs and ran round the cricket pitch naked. This caused Larry to be an internet meme and for him to be a victim of police brutality as they tasered his balls, pepper sprayed his eyes and clobbered him with batons.
If Phil had a sense of humour, he would be laughing his arse off.
Not surprisingly, with a flatmate like that, Phil often contemplate suicide.

One morning, Larry suggested that they go for a walk to the park.
Phil really didn't want to, for he wanted to watch CSI Miami on Netflix.
But unfortunately, Phil was dragged outside.
The sun was shining, the birds was singing and the homeless drunk was removed from the bench.
Larry was enjoying himself. Phil, on the other hand, didn't like the outdoors, for there were too many fat children.
They passed the duck pond and saw people feeding the ducks.
'Why do people feed bread to the ducks anyway?' asked Larry.
Before Phil could abuse Larry for being so damn retarded, they saw something.
It was a kite on an electric telegraph pole. It stood alone and singed.
Larry decided to bring it down and see if there was any children missing it, or at least keep it for a day at the sea.
Phil said that it was a terrible idea, but Larry went up to get it anyway.
It was a bad move.
Larry touched the kite and got the literal shock of his life! He fizzled, scorched, buzzed, sparkled and shocked until the telegraph pole explosion got him sent flying and he landed on a bush.

Larry was briefly on hospital but died later on. Phil's last words to him was how much of a moron he was and he has as much brain cells as a conservative. To make matters worse, Larry never made a will, so his ex-wife got nothing.
He left some king of legacy though, he hold the Guinness World Record for being the most stupidest man on Earth, next to Donald Trump.
So, the moral of the story is don't lose your basket ball, don't be held back at nursery, don't create gross flavours and don't touch electric kites!
Chances are, you're going to end up like Larry if you're not careful.

THE END